There has been a trend recently of people blogging “Things I Wish People Knew About Me”. I was planning on avoiding this topic because I’m pretty honest about my life as it is… but also because I wasn’t entirely convinced that it was an interesting topic. While I’m still not convinced an ‘incident’, for the lack of a better term occurred earlier today. And while the day was supposed to have an awesome end to it spent with the great people at Hill & Knowlton, instead it spiraled out of control and resulted in me just making a brief appearance and then dashing off to my therapist where I had someone to help me deal with my problem. So here’s a sincere blog with a look inside my head and I’m having trepidation about even posting it… but whatever.

Earlier I got involved in an exchange of words with some people over someone who shares my name. My “argument” being that I didn’t like how this person was essentially only interacting with people who know me (despite him living in Arizona) and I feared that was somehow hurting me or my reputation. This defense was quickly torn apart and my perceived superiority complex emerged. “You’re an idiot.” “You’re sad.” “Grow up.” etc. The playground antics where people gang up on someone when they’re down started. (My therapist says this is due to deep seeded resentment towards me that when people find a flaw, they all take a shot at it to somehow make themselves feel better about whatever resentment they harbour towards me. It’s just funny that for the most part it came from people I’ve had nothing but good things to say about.) It’s antagonistic though and serves no point really. It’s possible they were kidding, but my interpretation was that they were not. Tyler Conium was calling a spade a spade, and while it definitely came off as argumentative more than constructive – in hindsight, I understand and maybe it will make more sense if he reads this.

So here’s my problem – I have my own insecurities (who doesn’t right?) but I recognize most of them and have learned to handle them as they occur. It’s honest hour so let’s list some of the one’s I’ve had/have of which I’ve either dealt with or can control – relationships, trust, jealousy, looks/body image, drinking (alcohol), eating in restaurants and sex (insecurity about being ‘good’ in bed or just not measuring up). By all accounts, with this list alone I should probably be in therapy 7 days a week eh?

But from time to time, some new one’s emerge. One that’s come up over the last couple months is fears about my name. I worry that it will be used for something malicious or stupid etc. It’s idiotic I know… Even writing it I say to myself “You really think your name means that much?” and I get it… getting freaked out or concerned about someone else with my name is idiotic. There’s more important things to worry about right? I get it. I’m not out of touch with reality. I don’t have a superiority complex…. what I have is an insecurity. It’s not rational. It doesn’t make sense and it’s frankly pretty stupid and petty.

But it is what it is.

And while I recognize it, dealing with it is a whole other thing. Common sense dictates not caring about it and maybe being aware that that’s what common sense is, will help – but so far no such luck. It’s why I put out silly defenses like “people will misinterpret it as me” or other things that are clearly flawed. It’s me trying to rationalize rather than deal with it.

I don’t know the timeline for fixing it – maybe just writing about it and understanding how stupid it really is will help. But for now, if anyone is interested in really cutting me down and making me feel terrible – feel free to tell me how the other Zach Bussey’s are better than me, or more likable or whatever. It’s a soft spot for me, and my detractors are welcome to use it to their advantage.

I’m bound to have more issues in future (probably directly related to the insecurity I’m having about this post right now haha) but for now there’s a glimpse into the side of Zach I wish you didn’t have to know. Hopefully, this doesn’t have to be a regular occurrence, because I’m nearly positive this was the worst post I’ve ever written.

But to make it a little more interactive, anyone else have any insecurities they would like to share?